4/23/24
This year, man...
It’s been a while. Which is funny because I’m pretty sure that’s how I opened my last substack. But it has and if I’m being honest, it’s been a bit of a hard time.
I turned 40 back in January, which was wonderful mainly because I got to spend time with a lot of people I love a lot over food and drinks and music. Joe slung pizzas out in the cold and both our patios were lit up with cute LED lights. If I’m being dramatic, I’d say that it’s been all downhill since then, but… I’m trying to be less dramatic.
The job market is what it is. I try my best and have been strung along by companies for upwards of four months only find out that I almost made it. Which means nothing, really? Because either you have a job or you don’t. There’s literally nothing of value to be gained in being runner-up for something like this.
The job and money stuff is really all that’s keeping me from feeling generally pretty good about everything. It’s a huge stressor, though, and all the little and big things that make me feel good, make me feel like myself, continue to bruise steadily under the persistent pressure. On top of everything, we’re all nursing an open wound that still hasn’t closed since, what, October?
Because all of this is out of my hands, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to exercise agency over my life. At the end of January, I went to see Caroline Shaw perform with Roomful of Teeth with Isis. If you’re not familiar with these performers, just know that their music and performances consist of nothing but the human voice. The whole time, I thought about the way each member exercised such precise control over their breath, over every molecule of oxygen that entered and exited their body. How to turn breath into sound.
I guess what I’m trying to get that is that I can’t really do anything but try to keep myself afloat with the things that hold my identity together. Cooking, spending time with friends, making and seeing art, listening to jazz late at night. My martini game is on point. I’ve gotten really good at easy home cooking. I made perfect katsu this past weekend for Gray and Jen. I whipped up a rolled egg omelette sandwich for Joe the other night over dry martinis. I have the same NTS playlists on repeat pretty much all day, every day. I even baked a Lisbon cake! And still… it doesn’t feel like enough. But, again, it’s all I can do. Hang onto whatever precious color I find in a single day, however meager.
I’m not feeling sorry for myself! I’m done with that. Plus, I had a reason for sending out this substack besides give you all this boring life update. Things are happening! I have two pieces out in the world right now, which is something. The first is a story I wrote a few years ago, “See Me Like This,” that’s out right now in Fence. Fence’s digital issue will be available to read for free for the next couple of weeks, but please support them if you can.
The second is a piece that is near and dear to my heart. One of my favorite stories, actually. It’s called “Astrology” and you can read it in issue 7 of Annulet. It’s a piece I also got to read at Junior High at the tail end of last summer, when my legs and footing still felt strong. It’s set to be the final story in the short story collection I’m still working on.
My tone is rather flat, but I’m actually quite excited about both of these pieces finding homes. Not only because I haven’t published anything in nearly two years, but because I’m actually rather fond of the work itself.
While I’m in no place to make promises to anyone, even myself, I’d like to be better at sending out this newsletter (I threw this one together, no copy edits, so forgive me for any mistakes or inelegance). I’m toeing my way back into drawing on the regular, so hopefully I’ll have more to share with you as the sun continues to lengthen our days.
Love you!
ps. these moth drawings are outtakes for a friend’s album cover <3